Boundlessness

When I stand on the edge of the abyss (Yes I carefully chose every step that led me here) I have fear but no urge of running back. I have arrived here with him.

Standing intoxicated on the shaky, muddy, unstable ground, I shiver when I peek in. It looks dark, unknown, big, intimidating and endless. I look down at my wobbly feet and know in an instant that I’m not ready. Yes I walked, ran, almost sprinted until here; but now I need more time. I need more time because now i have paused and thought and analyzed the sheer size of this thing. And I have looked at myself from a distance; in comparison with this. I am infinitesimal. One shrug can wipe my existence clean.

I try and pick a more balanced stance. And then another. Left foot ahead, right one at back with knees slightly bent and look up. The spine still feels chilly and unstable. The twitchiness doesn’t ease out. I’m taking more time and it is becoming more difficult to stand my ground with each passing second. I know there is warmth and comfort I have left behind and I can walk right back to it.

His feet next to mine are stable and calm. I know he can hear my heart pumping; I know he knows. Our eyes meet and he asks me the same question again without any words – “are you up for it?” I try hard to conceal the distress but he knows. I try and get a better – more confident stance; this time with feet at shoulder distance, centering and balancing with my arms folded at the elbows; right ahead, left behind. I still don’t look down and try looking beyond convincing myself of it being a dream. His warm hand on my shoulder tells me to walk back – to the comforts. He blinks to say he would understand. I close my eyes and look within envisioning my life back home in the guarded environs. It was good. I try telling myself its okay to not be brave. Its okay to duck out. And I drop the stance; ready to walk back.

The confused wits of mine don’t like this.

My head needs thrill. It needs restlessness and adventure. It needs him. Sanity and safety are boring. I look at him and his bright watery eyes are all set and we nod. I crouch, take my last breath of instinct and then I straighten my knees bend at waist touching my feet and look ahead. Ready to plunge.

I fill  my lungs up, stretch back and aim my arms straight into the dive, like a swimmer my body follows in full force. I’m not falling. Its a lunge. Air gushing in my face, filling up my lungs, in parts warm and cold. It’s dark first and then my vision gets accustomed. I can see the jewels on the walls.

I’m in the dive. And I’m only just beginning to open my eyes. The love affair with the unseen is yet to unfold. I’m in the dive with will! With happy will!